


hey baby won't you look my way (i can be your new addiction)

by lgbtqshipper



Category: Archie Comics, Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Alice Cooper Does Not Fuck Around, Alternate Universe - No Gangs, Aromantic Asexual Jughead Jones, Bisexual Fangs Fogarty, Bisexual Hermione Lodge, Bisexual Toni Topaz, Bisexual Veronica Lodge, Endgame Betty Cooper/Veronica Lodge, Endgame Sweet Pea/Fangs Fogarty, Established Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Gay Kevin Keller, Group chat, Horny Teenagers, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Lesbian Alice Cooper, Lesbian Betty Cooper, Lesbian Cheryl Blossom, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Pansexual Reggie Mantle, Pansexual Sweet Pea, Penelope Blossom Is A Colossal Bitch, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Betty Cooper/Veronica Lodge, Slow Burn Fangs Fogarty/Sweet Pea, Swearing, Teenage Drama, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-06-28 01:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15697347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lgbtqshipper/pseuds/lgbtqshipper
Summary: spillthefogarTEA: b&v have gone too far with their homosexual nonsense this timenopeaz: what happened??spillthefogarTEA: didn't you read the latest edition of the blue and gold??hbicheryl: that thing still exists?ORSweet Pea and Fangs are trying to get Betty and Veronica together, Betty and Veronica are trying to get Sweet Pea and Fangs together, and Cheryl and Toni are just along for the ride.





	1. a history of heterosexuality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Betty writes an article, Toni and Sweet Pea are going to fight, and Veronica can't drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spillthefogarTEA: fangs  
> hisshissmotherfucker: sweet pea  
> hbicheryl: cheryl  
> nopeaz: toni  
> wannabett: betty  
> veroffica: veronica

Saturday, 10:37 AM

**spilltheforgarTEA** added  **hisshissmotherfucker** , **hbicheryl** , and  **nopeaz** to a chat

**spillthefogarTEA** named the chat  **'beronica shippers'**

**spillthefogarTEA** : so, as we've all noticed, betty and veronica have an uncomfortable amount of unresolved sexual tension

**hbicheryl** : did you create this groupchat just to state the obvious?

**spillthefogarTEA** : no, i created this groupchat to do something about it. who's in??

**nopeaz** : me!

**hbicheryl** : eh, why not

**spillthefogarTEA** : sweets?

**hisshissmotherfucker** : do i have to?

**spillthefogarTEA** : please?

**hisshissmotherfucker** : fine.

**nopeaz** : whipped much?

**hisshissmotherfucker** : 1) go back to hell satan

**hisshissmotherfucker** : 2) youre one to talk topaz

**hisshissmotherfucker** : 3) fangs and i are just friends!!

**hbicheryl** : sure jan

**spillthefogarTEA** : it's true!!

**nopeaz** : mmhm

**spillthefogarTEA** : ANYWAYS

**spillthefogarTEA** : b&v have gone too far with their homosexual nonsense this time

**nopeaz** : what happened??

**spillthefogarTEA** : didn't you read the latest edition of the blue and gold??

**hbicheryl** : that thing still exists?

**spillthefogarTEA** : yes!!

**spillthefogarTEA** : clearly, none of you read it though, so i'll just tell you

**spillthefogarTEA** : betty wrote an entire article about how straight she is!!

**hbicheryl** : thats not heterosexual activity

**nopeaz** : seriously??

**hisshissmotherfucker** : look i found it fangs wasnt kidding

**hisshissmotherfucker** : a-history-of-heterosexuality.jpeg

**nopeaz** : the school let her publish this??

**hbicheryl** : tbh i dont think the school even cares anymore

**hbicheryl** : only four people consistently read the b&g

**hbicheryl** : betty and jughead bc they write it

**hbicheryl** : veronica bc shes in love with betty

**hbicheryl** : and fangs bc hes a giant fucking nerd

**hisshissmotherfucker** : fuck off cheryl

**nopeaz** : dont talk to my girlfriend like that you shitstain

**hisshissmotherfucker** : then your girlfriend shouldnt be talking to my fangs like that!!

**nopeaz** : "MY fangs"

**hbicheryl** : it almost seemed like you were going to say something else instead of fangs...

**hbicheryl** : like... BOYFRIEND PERHAPS??

**hisshissmotherfucker** : im serious fuck off cheryl

**nopeaz** : i will physically fight you

**hisshissmotherfucker** : come at me bitch i can take you

**spillthefogarTEA** : okay EVERYBODY STFU

**spillthefogarTEA** : sweets- thank you for defending my honor, ily <3

**nopeaz** : aashhjdsjk SCREENSHOTTED

**spillthefogarTEA** : platonically, of course

**nopeaz** : its too late to say no homo fangs i have proof

**nopeaz** : SWANGS-IS-LOVE.jpeg

**hisshissmotherfucker** : oh please fangs is like my brother

**spillthefogarTEA** : i thought i told everyone TO SHUT THE FUCK UP

**spillthefogarTEA** : thank you

**spillthefogarTEA** : cheryl- more than four people read the b&g

**hbicheryl** : name one

**spillthefogarTEA** : alice cooper reads it because she's betty's mom and she owns her own newspaper so she wants betty to go into journalism

**hbicheryl** : tru

**hbicheryl** : how could i forget her??

**spillthefogarTEA** : toni- your sense of honor and love for your girlfriend is admirable, but please don't fight sweet pea, i don't want either of you to get hurt

**spillthefogarTEA** : and most of all, sweet pea and i are NOT in love with each other!

 

11:28 AM

**nopeaz** added  **hbicheryl** ,  **wannabett** , and  **veroffica** to a chat

**nopeaz** named the chat  **'swangs low sweet chariot'**

**nopeaz** : sweet pea and fangs are doing that thing again

**veroffica** : the 'we're like brothers' thing?

**hbicheryl** : howd you know?

**veroffica** : lucky guess.

**hbicheryl** : but while were on the topic of "im so not gay"

**hbicheryl** : can we talk about bettys latest article?

**nopeaz** : ^^^

**wannabett** : what can i say? its all true

**hbicheryl** : i have to admit, it started out sounding almost logical

**hbicheryl** : if i hadnt known how gay you are for veronica i mightve believed that youre straight

**hbicheryl** : but by the end you were grasping at straws

**hbicheryl** : "If I know how to drive, and gay people can't drive, then by that logic, I must be straight."

**hbicheryl** : ^ an actual quote from bettys article

**nopeaz** : sexuality cant be figured out with conditional statements

**nopeaz** : unless theyre conditional statements like "if im in love with veronica, and veronica is a girl, then i must like girls"

**veroffica** : betty, i've told you that me not knowing how to drive has nothing to do with me being bi and everything to do with me having a chaffeur and not NEEDING to know how to drive.

**veroffica** : plus, toni, sweet pea, and cheryl can all drive and none of them are straight!

**wannabett** : im not in love with veronica! im dating jughead!

**nopeaz** : nice try bitch

**nopeaz** : i know for a fact that jughead is aroace

**hbicheryl** : what do you have to say for yourself?

**wannabett** : uh

**wannabett** : isnt this groupchat supposed to be about swangs?

**hbicheryl** : dont change the subject!

**nopeaz** : yeah, answer the damn question cooper!

**veroffica** : guys, back off of betty! she doesn't have to explain why she told a bald-faced lie so bad even toni could see through it if she doesn't want to!

**wannabett** : thanks v <3

**veroffica** : anytime, b. <3

**hbicheryl** : do they seriously not see it?

**wannabett** : see what?

**hbicheryl** : ...nevermind

**hbicheryl** : also, are you calling my gf stupid??

**veroffica** : no, i'm calling her oblivious.

**hbicheryl** : oh yeah that she is lmao

**nopeaz** : hey! :(

**hbicheryl** : babe i watched all the gayest shows and movies in existence with you and you STILL thought i was straight

**nopeaz** : you were giving off very mixed signals!

**hbicheryl** : i invited you to a sleepover where i told you that i craved you and we almost kissed! i think thats pretty straightforward!

**nopeaz** : okay maybe im a little bit oblivious...

**nopeaz** : but thats enough about me!! lets drag sweet pea and fangs now pls!!

**veroffica** : is that what this groupchat is for? dragging those two for not realizing that they're in love with each other?

**hbicheryl** : interesting... so you are able to see it?

**nopeaz** : LMFAO

**nopeaz** : i dont think ive ever loved anyone as much as i love you right now

**wannabett** : ???

 

12:06 PM

**hbicheryl + nopeaz**

**hbicheryl** : hey topaz, care to make a friendly wager?

**nopeaz** : depends, what about?

**hbicheryl** : which couple will get together first

**nopeaz** : you're on, blossom

**nopeaz** : swangs will clearly get their shit together first

**hbicheryl** : nah, my girl veronica will come through and woo betty like crazy

**nopeaz** : oh really? how much are you willing to bet?

**hbicheryl** : if i lose, you can do whatever you want to me.

**nopeaz** : as in... sex??

**hbicheryl** : obviously.

**nopeaz** : and i assume the same goes for you if i lose?

**hbicheryl** : ding ding ding!

**nopeaz** : game on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that I'm also working on another multichapter fic, but I have so many fic ideas and so little time before school starts so I feel like I have to write them all while I still have time.  
> Please leave comments and/or kudos to tell me how you feel about this and if I should continue!


	2. are you texting WHILE having sex??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choni have sex, the Core Four go to Pop's, and Sweet Pea is so NOT jealous.  
> A mostly beronica-centric chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jugheadalones: jughead  
> goingtoheller: kevin  
> arch: archie

Saturday, 3:14 PM

 **hbicheryl** added  **nopeaz** ,  **hisshissmotherfucker** ,  **spillthefogarTEA** ,  **veroffica** ,  **wannabett** ,  **jugheadalones** , and  **goingtoheller** to a chat

 **hbicheryl** named the chat  **'gays united** **'**

 **hbicheryl** : welcome lesbian, gay, bisexuals, pansexual, and asexual

 **wannabett** : im heterosexual cheryl!!

 **goingtoheller** : she's straight?? can we confirm??

 **hbicheryl** : yes shes "straight"

 **goingtoheller** : ohhh, i see.

 **wannabett** : why are there quotation marks around "straight"??

 **hbicheryl** : not important

 **jugheadalones** : why did you make this groupchat anyway?

 **hbicheryl** : i was bored

 **hbicheryl** : wait

 **hbicheryl** : toni has just assured me that if i get off of my phone she will make it worth my while

 **hbicheryl** : bye losers im going to have sex with my hot girlfriend!

[ **hbicheryl** is offline]

 **veroffica** : ...now what?

 **goingtoheller** : idk

 **goingtoheller** : fangs, you're single, right?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : yep ;)

 **goingtoheller** : want to go talk somewhere else?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : hell yes

[ **spillthefogarTEA** is offline]

[ **goingtoheller**  is offline]

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : ...

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : im going to go pick a fight with someone bye

[ **hisshissmotherfucker** is offline]

 **veroffica** : someone's jealous.

 **jugheadalones** : and then there were three

 **wannabett** : meet at pops in ten?

 **jugheadalones** : im in

[ **jugheadalones** is offline]

 **veroffica** : can i invite archie?

 **wannabett** : sure

[ **wannabett** is offline]

[ **veroffica** is offline]

 

3:22 PM

**gays united**

**hisshissmotherfucker** : im not jealous!!

 

3:28 PM

**wannabett + jugheadalones**

**wannabett** : do you think that veronica and archie are dating?

 **jugheadalones** : no, why do you think that?

 **wannabett** : i dont know

 **wannabett** : theyre sitting on the same side of the table and talking and laughing with each other

 **jugheadalones** : they do that all the time??

 **jugheadalones** : are you sure youre not just jealous?

 **wannabett** : no im straight

 **jugheadalones** : i never said 'jealous of archie,' betty

 **jugheadalones** : but the way that you reacted suggests that i might as well have

 **jugheadalones** : betty??

 

3:31 PM

**wannabett + veroffica**

**wannabett** : hey v?

 **veroffica** : betty, why are you texting me? we're sitting right across from each other.

 **wannabett** : i have a kinda private question

 **veroffica** : okay, b, you've got my attention. what is it?

 **wannabett** : are you dating archie?

 **veroffica** : no, we're just friends.

 **veroffica** : why, do you want to?

 **veroffica** : date archie, that is.

 **wannabett** : no, that ship has sailed

 **veroffica** : then why did you ask?

 **wannabett** : oh i just thought that it would be shitty if two of my best friends were dating without telling me

 **veroffica** : yeah, of course

 **veroffica** : well, no boys between us, remember?

 **wannabett** : always.

 

3:33 PM

**beronica shippers**

**spillthefogarTEA** : hey guys so kev and i went to spy on the core four at pop's

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : "kev"??

 **hbicheryl** : ooh kangs alert?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : wait, i thought that you and toni were having sex

 **spillthefogarTEA** : are you texting WHILE having sex??

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : toni must not be doing her job right

 **nopeaz** : say that again i fucking dare you

 **nopeaz** : and fyi we just finished having sex you dumb fucks

 **hbicheryl** : ^^^

 **hbicheryl** : now back to kangs!

 **hbicheryl** : is it official? are you two dating now?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : nah, we're just friends

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : oh thats good

 **spillthefogarTEA** : for now, that is

 **hbicheryl** : !!!!!

 **nopeaz** : hold up sweet pea what do you mean "thats good"??

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : lol i just meant that i didnt want fangs to rush into a relationship and get hurt

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : he should know someone for longer than like two days before he starts dating them

 **nopeaz** : huh thats actually a... reasonable explanation?? wtf??

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : what did you think i meant?

 **hbicheryl** : back to business fangs what did you and kevin observe at pops?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : well i glimpsed a lot of texting between parties sitting next to and across from each other

 **nopeaz** : those parties being??

 **spillthefogarTEA** : betty and jughead and betty and veronica

 **hbicheryl** : first

 **hbicheryl** : they were texting while at the same table?? strange and also impolite

 **hbicheryl** : second

 **hbicheryl** : did you see what any of beronicas texts said??

 **spillthefogarTEA** : no, i thought about taking the next table over from theirs and looking over the back of the booth to see, but kevin pointed out that that would be too obvious

 **spillthefogarTEA** : what would i be without him?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : happier

 **spillthefogarTEA** : what?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : autocorrect i meant to say dead

 **nopeaz** : ...

 **spillthefogarTEA** : anyways, no, i did not see any texts but i did manage to catalog veronica's facial expressions through her text convo with betty

 **spillthefogarTEA** : confused, then concerned, then hopeful, then disappointed, then resigned

 **nopeaz** : what a rollercoaster

 **spillthefogarTEA** : but what does it mean??

 **hbicheryl** : ill see if i can decipher it

 **hbicheryl** : she wonders why bettys texting her at the table, becomes worried when she realizes that betty hasnt been participating in the conversation, hopes that someday betty will become less antisocial, betty keeps texting her instead of talking, she remembers that betty is boring, and then she decides that she likes me better and that shes going to fight toni for my hand

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : for some reason i dont think thats it

 **nopeaz** : yeah veronica is weak why would she fight me for your hand when she could just send her personal bodyguard to fight me for her??

 **nopeaz** : id probably still win anyway

 **spillthefogarTEA** : i don't even know where to start with this

 

3:41 PM

**the core four**

**arch** : hey i didnt want to say anything out loud but does anyone know why fangs and kevin keep pacing back and forth in front of our table and glancing at us?

 **jugheadalones** : you noticed it too? i started thinking that it was fishy around the fourth time they passed us in one minute

 **veroffica** : ...hold on, i think i know who's behind this.

 

3:42 PM

**swangs low sweet chariot**

**veroffica** : kevin and fangs are at pop's and acting really suspicious, you two wouldn't happen to have anything to do with it, would you?

 **nopeaz** : pfft why would we?

 **hbicheryl** : okay maybe a little bit

 **veroffica** : i knew it.

 

3:43 PM

**the core four**

**veroffica** : as i thought, it was cheryl and toni's doing.

 **wannabett** : when is it NOT cheryl and tonis doing?

 **jugheadalones** : ^^tru

 **arch** : yeah i suppose but what are kevin and fangs looking for??

 **jugheadalones** : we may never know.

 **arch** : any guesses?

 **veroffica** : maybe they're searching for incriminating evidence to put us in jail for a crime that we didn't commit.

 **wannabett** : like what?

 **veroffica** : murder.

 **arch** : any other, more reasonable guesses?

 **wannabett** : maybe theyre trying to collect information they can use as "proof" when they try to get you to admit that you arent as straight as you look, archie

 **arch** : noah fence betts but unlike you im MORE straight than i look

 **wannabett** : why does nobody believe that im straight??

 **veroffica** : i do, betty!

 **wannabett** : aw thanks v <3

 **veroffica** : no problem, b. <3

 **jugheadalones** : ...THIS is why nobody believes that youre straight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, please leave comments! I do love me some good validation!!


	3. ...no these are fuCKING SEXTS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a substitute teacher, Cheryl and Toni have a plan, and Betty is a "good fucking person."

Monday, 7:17 AM

**gays united**

**hbicheryl** : good morning gays

 **wannabett** : CHERYL

 **hbicheryl** : good morning gays, cousin betty

 **hbicheryl** : happy?

 **wannabett** : yes

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : why the fuck are you texting us at this ungodly hour

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : go back to sleep

 **nopeaz** : school starts in less than an hour dipshit

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : whatever

 **veroffica** : cheryl, you're in a way better mood than normal. what happened?

 **hbicheryl** : im offended! cant i just be in a good mood because i feel like it?

 **wannabett** ~~~~: no

 **hbicheryl** : fine

 **hbicheryl** : the history teacher is sick so we have a substitute

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : FUCK YES

 **wannabett** : im confused why is this a good thing??

 **spillthefogarTEA** : oh betty

 **spillthefogarTEA** : poor, sweet betty

 **nopeaz** : substitutes are naive and cant control the class

 **nopeaz** : so we can do whatever we want

 **wannabett** : im not sure thats the best idea

 **spillthefogarTEA** : choni and i have history first period with you, cooper

 **spillthefogarTEA** : we'll show you what we mean

 

8:16 AM

**hbicheryl + nopeaz**

**hbicheryl** : this is even better than i thought

 **nopeaz** : he looks so timid

 **hbicheryl** : this is going to be so much fun

 **hbicheryl** : lets begin phase one

 

8:19 AM

**gays united**

**wannabett** : is this cheryl and tonis master plan? to text out in the open?

 **jugheadalones** : theyre cheryl and toni

 **wannabett** : meaning??

 **jugheadalones** : im sure theres more to it than that

 **goingtoheller** : ^^tru

 **wannabett** : i guess ill just have to wait and see

 

8:23 AM

**gays united**

**wannabett** : okay the sub is asking cheryl and toni to get off their phones

 **wannabett** : theyre ignoring him ofc

 **wannabett** : asdJFDJJSSSKKDXM

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : WHAT HAPPENED

 **spillthefogarTEA** : HE GRABBED TONIS PHONE RIGHT OUT OF HER HANDS SHE LOOKS SO FUCKING STARTLED

 **goingtoheller** : LMAO

 **spillthefogarTEA** : OH SHIT NOW HES READING CHONIS TEXTS FROM TONIS PHONE

 **wannabett** : ...no these are fuCKING SEXTS

 **veroffica** : I'M WHEEZING

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : WHAT DO THE TEXTS SAY

 **spillthefogarTEA** : "maybe after this we can sneak in a quickie between classes"

 **spillthefogarTEA** : "i could finger you up against the bathroom wall"

 **spillthefogarTEA** : "or i could eat you out in the storage closet"

 **spillthefogarTEA** : "of course... youd have to be quiet"

 **spillthefogarTEA** : "do you think you can do that? can you be a good girl for me?"

 **wannabett** : cheryl is as red as her hair

 **wannabett** : toni looks like she wishes the earth would swallow her whole

 **goingtoheller** : I'M DEAD.

 **veroffica** : THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD

 **hbicheryl** : GUYS STOP LAUGHING THIS ISNT FUNNY

 **goingtoheller** : no, this is definitely funny.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : wait were the texts from toni or cheryl??

 **wannabett** : he didnt say

 **goingtoheller** : ooh, any theories? i'm still on team vers. cheryl, can you confirm anything?

 **hbicheryl** : SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING

 **veroffica** : i should hope so!

 **jugheadalones** : ...i did NOT need to know this much about chonis sex life

 **wannabett** : i guess the sub isnt as incompetent as you thought

 **spillthefogarTEA** : lmao sucks to be you guys

 **spillthefogarTEA** : oh shit i think hes looking at the notifications

 **spillthefogarTEA** : "spill the... fogarty!" yep im done for youre all invited to my funeral except for choni bc they got us into this mess

 **wannabett** : fangs' phones has been confiscated as well as cheryls in case you were wondering

 **wannabett** : haha thats karma i guess

 **wannabett** : fuck now he wants mine too why me??

 **veroffica** : ...guys?

 **goingtoheller** : that was the most exciting thing that i've witnessed secondhand in a WHILE.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i hope nothing bad happened to fangs

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : or toni or cheryl or betty

 **jugheadalones** : i wonder whats going on there right now

 **veroffica** : well, i don't have any classes with any of them for a while, so i won't be able to know what happened until they get their phones back.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : ^^

 **jugheadalones** : ^^

 **goingtoheller** : ^^

 

12:03 PM

**gays united**

**hbicheryl** : WE FINALLY GOT OUR PHONES BACK

 **hbicheryl** : I CAN PRACTICALLY TASTE THE FREEDOM

 **nopeaz** : now i just have to go live in a cave for a few years until everyone forgets about that debacle

 **spillthefogarTEA** : thats not going to happen any time soon

 **goingtoheller** : fangs is right, that was iconic.

 **veroffica** : you two will never live that down.

 **jugheadalones** : half of riverdale high is already speculating as to which one of you two sent the texts and which one of you received the texts

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : cheryl, toni, care to make a statement?

 **hbicheryl** : no

 **nopeaz** : fuck off

 **goingtoheller** : well, at least they seem to be on the same page.

 **wannabett** : can we talk about whats REALLY important now??

 **jugheadalones** : and what would that be?

 **wannabett** : ALL FOUR OF US GOT DETENTION!!

 **veroffica** : can the substitute even do that?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : yeah, he wrote us all up for "repeatedly disobeying a clear set of instructions"

 **nopeaz** : at least its only for today

 **wannabett** : ive never gotten detention before! how the hell am i going to explain this to my mom??

 **hbicheryl** : lmao cant relate

 **wannabett** : im a good fucking person i dont deserve this

 

12:39 PM

**gays united**

**hisshissmotherfucker** : wait cheryl and toni what was your master plan?

 **hbicheryl** : oh we were just going to sext for a while and then make out in the back of the classroom

 **veroffica** : ...that was a letdown.

 **goingtoheller** : yeah, i expected better.

 **nopeaz** : we were horny when we came up with that plan okay

 **jugheadalones** : now THAT makes more sense

 **spillthefogarTEA** : tbh im still kinda disappointed tho

 

1:22 PM

**gays united**

**wannabett** : SHIT

 **veroffica** : what's wrong, betts?

 **wannabett** : i think the school told my mom about the detention :(

 **goingtoheller** : what makes you think that?

 **wannabett** : shes called me four times today already

 **wannabett** : ive been ignoring her but knowing my mom she'll probably just show up here to talk to me

 **jugheadalones** : she wouldnt do that

 **wannabett** : you underestimate her

 **veroffica** : b is right. her mom is just crazy enough to do that.

 

1:40 PM

**gays united**

**wannabett** : huh i wonder why the secretary is calling me to the office

 **wannabett** : it couldnt be my mom, could it??

 **wannabett** : who wants to bet against me?

 **goingtoheller** : a, congrats on finally living up to your screen name!

 **goingtoheller** : b, there is no way that i'm going to be stupid enough to take you up on that.

 **jugheadalones** : i'll bite.

 **jugheadalones** : 20 bucks it isnt her

 **wannabett** : youre on jug

 **wannabett** : be prepared to lose $20

 

1:55 PM

**gays united**

**wannabett** : angry-mama-cooper.jpeg

 **wannabett** : fork over the money jones

 **jugheadalones** : ...fuck

 **jugheadalones** : this is what i get for believing that alice cooper wouldnt be that petty??

 **hbicheryl** : no this is what you get for being a fool

 **wannabett** : same thing

 **spillthefogarTEA** : okay im sure that im going to regret asking this, but what did mrs cooper want that took fifteen minutes to talk about?

 **wannabett** : the usual

 **wannabett** : "youre disappointing your family, you need to do better, you dont want to end up like polly," etc.

 **veroffica** : i'm sorry, b. :(

 **wannabett** : it isnt your fault v

 **veroffica** : i know, but your mom clearly isn't sorry for the crazy expectations she puts on you because polly didn’t turn out the way she wanted, so somebody has to be. and i want that somebody to be me.

 **wannabett** : you really think so?

 **veroffica** : i know so.

 **spillthefogarTEA** : thats so sweet

 **hbicheryl** : and REALLY gay

 **spillthefogarTEA** : ofc

 **veroffica** : *bi, and betty and i are just best friends.

 **wannabett** : ^^^

 **spillthefogarTEA** : sweets and i are best friends and if i had said something like that to him yall wouldnt think that we were just being friends

 **wanna** **bett** : thats bc you and sweet pea are super gay for each other

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : false

 **spillthefogarTEA** : ...you dont think that im hot? :(

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : no i think that youre the hottest person in the whole damn universe

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : but that doesnt mean that im in love with you

 **hbicheryl** : babe do you see this shit??

 **nopeaz** : i see it all right

 **hbicheryl** : im so glad that we arent like that

 **nopeaz** : me too :)

 **hbicheryl** : i love you toni

 **nopeaz** : i love you too cher

 **veroffica** : awww, that was adorable.

 **veroffica** : but also: what will it take to convince all of you that betty and i are telling the truth??

 **goingtoheller** : nothing, ever. you are both so clearly whipped it isn't even funny.

 **jugheadalones** : like cheryl and toni levels of whipped

 **hbicheryl** : except you two arent even dating!!

 **nopeaz** : the same goes for sweets and fangs too

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : whatever

 **spillthefogarTEA** : ^^^

 **wannabett** : ^^^

 **veroffica** : ^^^

 **jugheadalones** : why do i even try anymore

 

2:29 PM

**gays united**

**hbicheryl** : well its time to go into the hellish pit the school calls detention

 **wannabett** : i wonder if theyll make us do manual labor

 **spillthefogarTEA** : sweet pea practically lived in detention at southside high, ask him

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : thats true

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : and yes sometimes they do make you do some janitorial work around the school

 **hbicheryl** : oh my fucking god im going to die

 **jugheadalones** : stop being so extra cheryl

 **goingtoheller** : no never stop being extra cheryl it is the best part of this chat

 **hbicheryl** : for your information hobo i will never ever stop being dramatic and if you say that again i will fight you

 **hbicheryl** : and dont worry keller i wont change

 **nopeaz** : thats my girl!! <3

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : as i was saying

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : youll probably just sit in a room and do your homework

 **hbicheryl** : thats even worse

 

2:34 PM

**gays united**

**hbicheryl** : THEY WANT TO TAKE OUR PHONES

 **hbicheryl** : WHY DIDNT YOU TELL US ABOUT THIS SWEET PEA

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i thought it would be a nice surprise

 **nopeaz** : screw you

 **hbicheryl** : IF I NEVER GET OUT OF HERE TELL MY MOTHER THAT SHES AN AWFUL BITCH AND THAT I HATE HER

 **veroffica** : sure thing, blossom.

 

3:00 PM

**gays united**

**hbicheryl** : MY PHONE IS BACK I LOVE IT SO MUCH THIS SCHOOL IS SHIT AND DETENTION FUCKING SUCKS

 **goingtoheller** : that's a lot of moods.

 **jugheadalones** : ^^

 **veroffica** : "that's a lot of moods" is just cheryl's personality in a nutshell.

 **wannabett** : tru

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : tru

 **nopeaz** : tru

 **hbicheryl** : tru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing choni's sexts was the best part of this chapter, honestly. Also, I noticed that I refer to Cheryl and Toni as 'choni' an awful lot, which probably has direct correlation to my laziness.
> 
> I know that this chapter has a lot less to do with the overlying plot, and that's because I'm trying something different. Tell me if you like it this way or if you want me to go back to more plot-heavy chapters.


	4. yes, we're just having a platonic sleepover, as friends do!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Pea is soft, Betty is grounded, and the origin story of the "Serpents" is told.  
> In which I make fun of what seems to be a plot in season three (you'll know what I'm talking about).

Tuesday, 1:17 AM

**gays united**

**veroffica** : do you guys ever think about getting a tattoo?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : are you high?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : also stfu and let us SLEEP

 **veroffica** : i don't do drugs.

 **veroffica** : anymore, at least.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : then what made you bring this up??

 **hbicheryl** : yes, why the FUCK did you feel like it was necessary to text us this at 1 AM??

 **goingtoheller** : ooh, who wants to see which one of these two is pissier when they don't get their beauty sleep?

 **nopeaz** : oh please, cheryl is a goddamn angel

 **hbicheryl** : toni i love you but please dont egg these eternal disappointments on

 **hbicheryl** : and turn your phone off the brightness is disturbing my slumber

 **nopeaz** : yes maam

[ **nopeaz** is offline]

[ **hbicheryl** is offline]

 **veroffica** : team top cheryl is rising!

 **goingtoheller** : i'm telling you, team vers is where it's at.

 **jugheadalones** : this is so unnecessary

 **jugheadalones** : but team top toni is the only valid team here so jot that down real quick

 **spillthefogarTEA** : grumpy sweet pea is adorable just saying

 **spillthefogarTEA** : rn hes standing by the the door of the trailer, pouting, and rubbing his eyes furiously every so often

 **veroffica** : that does sound kinda cute.

 **jugheadalones** : this is great blackmail material thanks fangs

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : oh no i was trying not to wake you up fangs! thats why i moved so i wouldnt disturb you with the light!!

 **spillthefogarTEA** : no it was veronicas original text that woke me up

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : oh

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : well in that case why would you expose me like that fangs?? 

 **spillthefogarTEA** : bc the world deserves to know that you are secretly soft despite your tough bad boy exterior

 **veroffica** : do i even say 'that's gay' anymore or do i just give up?

 **goingtoheller** : go for it.

 **veroffica** : okay.

 **veroffica** : that's GAY.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : shut up northsider

 **veroffica** : it's no use anymore, sweet pea. we all know now that you're, well, sweet.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i hate you

 **veroffica** : duly noted. now will someone finally answer my question??

 **spillthefogarTEA** : oh yeah that reminds me, i have a story kinda related to that

 **spillthefogarTEA** : back in eighth grade, sweets, toni, and i thought that we were the shit. we bought a large supply of snake temporary tattoos and got matching leather jackets and called ourselves the serpents

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : oh my fucking god i thought that we agreed to never talk about this EVER AGAIN

 **spillthefogarTEA** : and fp jones played along and said he was the 'leader' of the serpents and in freshman year jughead got jealous and wanted to join.

 **jugheadalones** : nevermind fangs you suck

 **spillthefogarTEA** : also this guy named malachi and some of his friends also went to our school and they were assholes so we called them the ghoulies and now they deal the hard drugs like jingle jangle

 **goingtoheller** : jingle jangle is such a stupid name for a drug. it sounds like christmas-themed candy.

 **goingtoheller** : but sorry, continue.

 **spillthefogarTEA** : and when we transferred to riverdale high, principal weatherbee made us take them off because he thought they were "gang paraphernalia" and then jughead threw a hissy fit

 **jugheadalones** : gfy fogarty

 **veroffica** : oh yeah, i remember that very clearly.

 **veroffica** : but what did you do with all of the temporary tattoos?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : we still have them somewhere i think

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : why are you asking about tattoos anyway?

 **veroffica** : i was thinking about getting a tattoo to piss off my dad, but that's a bit too permanent.

 **spillthefogarTEA** : what are you suggesting?

 **veroffica** : i think you know damn well what i'm suggesting.

 **jugheadalones** : whoa whoa whoa! if we let you into the serpents we might set a dangerous precedent

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : yeah, then ANYONE could be a serpent! we might even have to let ANDREWS in.

 **veroffica** : don't be ridiculous. archie would never want to join your weird snake cult. he's a northsider through and through.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : how can you be so sure??

 **spillthefogarTEA** : sweets its too early for ridiculous conspiracy theories, come back to bed.

 **veroffica** : are you SURE that you two aren't dating??

 **spillthefogarTEA** : yes, we're just having a platonic sleepover, as friends do!!

 **jugheadalones** : theres a strong smell of bullshit here, but i cant figure out where its coming from... oh yeah, its fangs.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : jughead have you ever actually contributed anything to this groupchat at all or do you just lurk and make sarcastic remarks

 **jugheadalones** : ...

 **jugheadalones** : ill come up with a comeback for that later

[ **jugheadalones** is offline]

 **goingtoheller** : hey, veronica, where's betty? i just noticed that she didn't immediately respond to your dumbass question and i'm a little concerned.

 **veroffica** : i'm just going to ignore the second part of that.

 **veroffica** : to answer your question, betty gave me a message to relay yesterday.

 **veroffica** : "when i returned home after detention today, i was essentially put in jail. i have been grounded from leaving the house and from my phone, but i have been given one call, as it is when you're in jail. i called veronica, as you now know, and informed her that i would not be responding to any texts or going back to school until wednesday."

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : wait her mom grounded her from even going to school?? how is that a punishment??

 **spillthefogarTEA** : thats pretty much just house arrest.

 **spillthefogarTEA** : hardcore.

 **goingtoheller** : that sounds like mrs cooper.

 **veroffica** : okay, gotta go now. ix-nay on the attoos-tay.

[ **veroffica** is offline]

 **spillthefogarTEA** : i was serious before, sweets. you need to get some sleep.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i know. be right there

[ **hisshissmotherfucker** is offline]

[ **spillthefogarTEA** is offline]

 **goingtoheller** : :/

 **goingtoheller** : i'm going to go see if moose is awake. see y'all later.

 

7:28 AM

**gays united**

**hbicheryl** : seriously?? this is what you wanted veronica??

 **hbicheryl** : ugh. bitch.

 **goingtoheller** : MOOD.

 **veroffica** : :(

 **hbicheryl** : although at least now i know that i can be happy about a betty-free day at school!

 **hbicheryl** : no unnecessary complaining

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : or excessive heart eyes at veronica when she thinks that nobodys looking

 **goingtoheller** : or constant chorus of "i'm straight"

 **spillthefogarTEA** : or her endless torrent of white girl problems

 **veroffica** : guys, stop dragging betty!

 **nopeaz** : do you seriously believe that none of the things that they said are true?

 **veroffica** : yes.

 **nopeaz** : how??

 **hbicheryl** : love blinds people, toni

 **nopeaz** : but not us right?

 **hbicheryl** : obviously

 **hbicheryl** : my vision is still 20/20, not at all impaired by my love for you.

 **nopeaz** : :)

 **goingtoheller** : why are cheryl and toni so cute while i'm stuck secretly dating a closeted guy??

 **jugheadalones** : well its not secret anymore

 **goingtoheller** : shit

 

10:49 AM

**gays united**

**hbicheryl** : its so quiet today

 **hbicheryl** : i think that its because betty isnt here for me to drag

 **hbicheryl** : oh my FUCKING god

 **hbicheryl** : the world is ending the apocalypse is here I MISS BETTY COOPER

 **veroffica** : one of these events is not like the others

 **hbicheryl** : i see no difference

 **veroffica** : you know what, blossom? i'm tired of you CONSTANTLY insulting betty, even when she ISN'T EVEN HERE TO DEFEND HERSELF. either you say ONE nice thing about betty, or i punch your fucking lights out. your choice.

 **goingtoheller** : she SNAPPED.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : 0-100 real quick

 **hbicheryl** : youre like 5 feet tall how much damage can you do

 **nopeaz** : cheryl we talked about not abusing your tall privilege!

 **hbicheryl** : oh sorry, i meant youre a spoiled rich girl how much damage can you do

 **veroffica** : FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M FIVE FEET AND 2 1/4 INCHES TALL

 **veroffica** : AND WHY DON'T YOU COME FIND OUT FIRSTHAND HOW MUCH DAMAGE I CAN DO

 **veroffica** : TODAY, AFTER SCHOOL, AT SWEETWATER RIVER

 **veroffica** left the chat

 **hbicheryl** : ...what have i gotten myself into?

 **jugheadalones** : shit is going DOWN

 **nopeaz** : this is riveting i cant breathe

 **hbicheryl** : bisexuals are scary :(

 **spillthefogarTEA** : damn right we are, we're the most extra people youll ever meet

 **nopeaz** : cheryl, hun, youre going to be slaughtered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [announcer voice] This is the battle of the century: Cheryl vs. Veronica! Who will win? Will Cheryl be murdered? Is Veronica just being dramatic? Find out next time on "What The Fuck Even Is This Anymore"!


	5. im going to live to see another gay!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Veronica gets a... _mysterious,_ shall we say, call; Kevin wants to write "Romea and Juliet," and the gays come up with another plan to get Betty and Veronica together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from the hiatus (of both Riverdale and fic updating)! I'll try to keep the updates rolling!

Tuesday, 12:35 PM

[call begins:  **Andrews Family Household** ->  **Veronica Lodge** ]

 **Veronica Lodge** : Hello? Mr. Andrews?

 **Andrews Family Household** : No, it's Betty!

 **Veronica Lodge** : B?? I thought you were grounded from your phone! And why are you calling me from the Andrews' home phone?

 **Andrews Family Household** : I was going through withdrawal! I have had no human contact the entire day and I thought I would go crazy if I didn't talk to someone!! So, I climbed out of my window and managed to get into the Andrews' house through Archie's window, and I used their home phone to call you! Tell me what's going on at school and don't spare a detail.

 **Veronica Lodge** : The first person you thought to call was me? I'm honored!

 **Andrews Family Household** : Of course I'd call you first, V. I'll always call you first.

 **Veronica Lodge** : Aw, thanks, B. Now, about what happened at school... Don't get mad, but I kind of challenged Cheryl to a duel in your honor...

 **Andrews Family Household** : You _WHAT_?! I miss  _one_ day of school and  _this_ is what happens??

 **Veronica Lodge** : I can explain! Everyone kept on dragging you, especially Cheryl, and then I just kind of... snapped.

 **Andrews Family Household** : Ronnie, I appreciate your on-brand Bisexual Flair For The Dramatics™ as much as the next girl, and I'm glad that you went as far as threatening to fight Cheryl to protect my honor, but Cheryl  _burned her own house down_ once, went through  _conversion therapy_ , and threatened her mother while covered in  _pig's blood!_

 **Veronica Lodge** : Yeah, I didn't really think this one through.

 **Andrews Family Household** : Plus, you're more bark than bite. In theory, you're terrifying, but in reality, it's like fighting a puppy. I don't want you to get hurt.

 **Veronica Lodge** : I guess so. It isn't like I can just call it off without sounding like I'm scared, though. Cheryl would never let me forget it.

 **Andrews Family Household** : Just tell Cheryl that you've thought about it, and decided that you don't actually want to kill her. If she accuses you of being a coward, threaten her again and see what happens.

 **Veronica Lodge** : You're a genius, Betty Cooper. Where would I be without you?

 **Andrews Family Household** : (laughs) New York, probably.

 **Veronica Lodge** : (laughs) Right again. (pauses) I should go now. Talk to you later, Betts?

 **Andrews Family Household** : Of course, Ronnie.

[call ends:  **Andrews Family Household** - >  **Veronica Lodge** ]

 

12:47 PM

**veroffica + hbicheryl**

**veroffica** : hey, cheryl, let's talk.

 **hbicheryl** : okay...?

 **veroffica** : i'm calling the fight off.

 **hbicheryl** : THANK THE GODDESS SAPPHO

 **hbicheryl** : ahem i mean... scared, potter??

 **veroffica** : destroying you is not in my best interests, cheryl.

 **veroffica** : but if you EVER insult betty behind her back again, you will feel my goddamn WRATH.

 **veroffica** : got it? :)

 **hbicheryl** : yes maam!

 **veroffica** : now, can you re-add me to the group chat?

 **hbicheryl** : sure

 

12:49 PM

**gays united**

**hbicheryl** : guys guess what!

 **hbicheryl** : im going to live to see another gay!!

 **jugheadalones** : dont you mean "day"?

 **hbicheryl** : no i definitely meant gay

 **spillthefogarTEA** : does this mean that veronica called off the fight?

 **hbicheryl** : yes yall cant get rid of me yet!

 **nopeaz** : thats great babe!!

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : dammit i wouldve paid to see that :(

 **goingtoheller** : for once, i agree with sweet pea. that would've been fun to watch.

 **nopeaz** : sweets and keller agreeing on something?? i think cheryl had a point earlier the world is ending

 **hbicheryl** : ANYWAY

 **hbicheryl** : veronica wants me to add her back to the group chat

 **goingtoheller** : oh fuck

 **hbicheryl** added  **veroffica** to the chat

 **veroffica** : hey, guys!

 **goingtoheller** : so... you aren't mad at us for dissing betty?

 **veroffica** : i'm mostly mad that you did it behind her back.

 **veroffica** : but i've cooled down and decided to forgive you.

 **jugheadalones** : but... you never do that

 **veroffica** : do you really want to push it, jones??

 **spillthefogarTEA** : noah fence but he's right, the only person who can get you to cool down is betty.

 **spillthefogarTEA** : oh

 **spillthefogarTEA** : ooOOHHHHHH

 **spillthefogarTEA** : did you somehow manage to communicate with betty despite the fact that she's been cut off from all civilization??

 **goingtoheller** : ooh, that would be so romantic!

 **goingtoheller** : "romea and juliet"

 **goingtoheller** : although their parents try to keep the star-crossed lovers apart, their "forbidden" romance can be stopped by nothing!

 **goingtoheller** : in which their love is forbidden only because their parents are enemies, not because they're both girls (for once)!

 **goingtoheller** : i've got dibs on writing the fanfiction!!

 **hbicheryl** : id read it

 **nopeaz** : rt^^

 **jugheadalones** : ^^^

 **veroffica** : ...i don't know what you're talking about.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i believe you

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : said no one ever

 **veroffica** : i'm starting to remember why i left this chat...

 **spillthefogarTEA** : just tell us how betty managed to talk to you and we'll leave you alone

 **hbicheryl** : lmao fangs might but i wont

 **nopeaz** : cheryl...

 **hbicheryl** : fine.

 **veroffica** : ...

 **veroffica** : betty snuck into the andrews house and called me using their phone

 **goingtoheller** : 1) ROMEA AND JULIET STRIKE AGAIN!

 **goingtoheller** : 2) aww, betty called you first??

 **goingtoheller** : that's so romantic!

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : ha thats gay

 **jugheadalones** : there are two types of people...

 **nopeaz** : oh good kevin and sweet pea are back to arguing again phew

 **hbicheryl** : thats adorable why dont you ever do stuff like this for me toni??

 **nopeaz** : i left you like twenty voicemails when you were trapped with the soqm

 **hbicheryl** : oh yeah lmao we win

 **nopeaz** : :)

 **veroffica** : that's cool and all, but that's not the point! betty only called me so that she could catch up on the gossip and finally have an interaction with another human being!

 **spillthefogarTEA** : that's what they always say

 **veroffica** : y'all... are so fucking exhausting. why do i put up with you?

 **hbicheryl** : you love us

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : plus everyone else is straight

 **goingtoheller** : us gays stick together.

 **veroffica** : you've got me there.

 **veroffica** : i do love you assholes.

 **nopeaz** : and the assholes love you too :)

 

1:13 PM

**beronica shippers**

**nopeaz** : okay real talk we need to get betty and veronica together

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : no shit sherlock

 **spillthefogarTEA** : "romea and juliet" is right, but these two are going to die of obliviousness and "unrequited" love

 **hbicheryl** : sometimes i cant believe that im friends with two huge dumbasses

 **hbicheryl** : and then i look at fangs and sweet pea and i remember that im actually friends with four

 **spillthefogarTEA** : not the time, cheryl

 **hbicheryl** : youre right

 **hbicheryl** : if betty was willing to disobey her mother, break into the andrews' house, and use their phone JUST to call veronica bc she missed her, we have bigger problems

 **nopeaz** : we made this chat to get those two together and its time we start using it for that purpose

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : but how the hell will we be able to get b&v to admit their love for each other??

 **spillthefogarTEA** : small steps, sweets

 **spillthefogarTEA** : first, we've got to get betty to admit that she's not straight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to drop a comment here or at my tumblr, incorrectchoniberonicaswangs.
> 
> Tell me what you want to see next because I honestly have no idea what I'm doing anymore!!


	6. because i also want to be rawed by alice cooper in that dress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody has a normal sleep schedule, Jughead helps Betty with her totally-not-real issue, the Lodges and Coopers are really gay, and Archie has some scary (but still important to the plot) tendencies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mayorlodge: hermione  
> acoop: alice
> 
> Also, just for clarification, both Hal and Hiram are out of the picture (mostly because it's convenient to the story but whatever).
> 
> This is a long-ass chapter, so... have fun?

Wednesday, 12:00 AM

**gays united**

**wannabett** : IM BACK!!!

 **wannabett** : as in i finally got my phone back!! im alive again!

 **nopeaz** : you got your phone back at exactly midnight??

 **wannabett** : yep!

 **hbicheryl** : i dont understand you coopers

 **veroffica** : cheryl, you're technically a cooper yourself.

 **veroffica** : and even if you weren't, the blossoms are even worse.

 **hbicheryl** : ugh

 **hbicheryl** : technicalities

 **spillthefogarTEA** : do any of you... actually go to sleep at a reasonable time??

 **wannabett** : no

 **nopeaz** : nah

 **hbicheryl** : nope

 **veroffica** : ha, no.

 **jugheadalones** : definitely not

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : no

 **goingtoheller** : not a chance.

 **spillthefogarTEA** : yeah, me neither

 **spillthefogarTEA** : just checking

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : normal sleep schedules are for the weak

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : natural selection only the dumbasses die

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : im the dumbass

 **nopeaz** : same

 **jugheadalones** : rt

 **hbicheryl** : ^^^^

 **wannabett** : ^^^

 **wannabett** : so

 **wannabett** : yall wanna talk??

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : about how i just realized that fangs and bettys ship name would either be bangs or fetty?? absolutely

 **goingtoheller** : bangs?? can we seriously talk about this?

 **nopeaz** : when you said fetty all i could think of was fetty wap

 **hbicheryl** : no we are NOT doing this now come back to bed and go to sleep RIGHT NOW topaz

 **nopeaz** : as you wish, dear

[ **nopeaz** is offline]

[ **hbicheryl** is offline]

 **jugheadalones** : well i need to get my beauty sleep so i can look my emo self tomorrow, so goodnight

[ **jugheadalones**  is offline]

 **spillthefogarTEA** : okay i have to admit that we all should get some sleep, but @sweets we are circling back to bangs and fetty later

 **goingtoheller** : ^^

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i cant help that all my best realizations come when im delirious from lack of sleep but if you say so fangs

[ **hisshissmotherfucker** is offline]

[ **spillthefogarTEA** is offline]

 **wannabett** : nobody wants to stay up and talk? :(

 **goingtoheller** : i might.

 **veroffica** : i will too.

 **goingtoheller** : nevermind, i'm going to sleep! have fun! ;)

[ **goingtoheller** is offline]

 **wannabett** : i guess its just us

 **veroffica** : want to move this convo to a more private setting, then?

 **wannabett** : sure thing

 

12:13 AM

**wannabett + veroffica**

**wannabett** : hey v

 **veroffica** : hey, b.

 **veroffica** : congrats on finally getting your phone back, btw!

 **wannabett** : i missed you

 **wannabett** : i mean i know that i was only absent for one day and i still managed to call you once

 **wannabett** : but it felt longer than that. more significant

 **veroffica** : i know what you mean. school was hellish (at best) without you there, especially with cheryl being, well, cheryl. i know that she's not half as bad as she used to be, and that toni's helping her to be a kinder person, but sometimes she just doesn't know when to back off.

 **wannabett** : about that, did i ever thank you for standing up for me so vehemently? because i appreciate it

 **wannabett** : you didnt have to but you did anyway

 **wannabett** : and thats what i... uh,, really like about you!!

 **wannabett** : hold on a sec i have to go my moms calling me!

 **veroffica** : at 12:18 am?

 **veroffica** : aaaand you're already gone.

 

12:18 AM

**wannabett + jugheadalones**

**wannabett** : hey jughead quick question

 **jugheadalones** : i did mention earlier that i was going to go to sleep right??

 **wannabett** : please this is really important

 **jugheadalones** : fine, go for it

 **wannabett** : okay hypothetical situation here

 **wannabett** : say this one girl (lets call her lili) has this best friend (lets call her cami) but at one point lili almost says "and thats what i love about you" to cami

 **wannabett** : what does that mean?? is it just a normal platonic friend thing??

 **jugheadalones** : so, this is all strictly theoretical, correct?

 **wannabett** : yes obviously any and all resemblance to real people is purely coincidental haha

 **jugheadalones** : then id say that lili might actually have more-than-platonic feelings for cami

 **wannabett** : do you really think so??

 **jugheadalones** : yep

 **wannabett** : so in this purely made-up circumstance... what should lili do?

 **jugheadalones** : i think that lili should seriously consider telling cami about her feelings for her

 **jugheadalones** : she just might be surprised by what cami says back

 **wannabett** : okay thank you jug

 **wannabett** : for your help on this definitely fake thing that clearly did not occur with undoubtedly nonexistent characters

 **jugheadalones** : sure thing betty

 **jugheadalones** : just next time dont wake me up at midnight

[ **jugheadalones** is offline]

 

12:23 AM

**wannabett + veroffica**

**wannabett** : hey im back

 **veroffica** : finally! it took you long enough!

 **veroffica** : what did your mom want?

 **wannabett** : huh?

 **wannabett** : oh yeah she wanted me to... wash some dishes

 **veroffica** : at 12:18 in the morning??

 **wannabett** : yep its all part of my punishment for getting detention

 **veroffica** : i thought your punishment was just being grounded for one day?

 **wannabett** : well theres also a list of chores that i have to do for her that she can cash in at any point

 **veroffica** : no offence betty, but is your mom satan?? that sounds awful!

 **wannabett** : none taken, she indubitably is

 **wannabett** : and im used to it by now

 **veroffica** : still... i wish i could do something to help.

 **wannabett** : let me move in with you

 **veroffica** : what??

 **wannabett** : thats what you can do to help! i could move into the pembrooke with you if your mom says its okay!

 **veroffica** : i don't know, b... don't you think it's kind of a big step? and what about your mom?

 **wannabett** : what about her? polly didnt ask mom when she moved in with you

 **wannabett** : i understand if you dont want to, but just think about it for a second

 **wannabett** : it would be like having a sleepover every night!

 **veroffica** : i'm still not sure...

 **wannabett** : plus ive been wanting to get closer to you and this could be just what i needed

 **veroffica** : well, i'm on board! i just have to text my mom, she's on a business trip.

 

12:29 AM

**veroffica + mayorlodge**

**veroffica** : hey mom, can betty come live with us?

 **mayorlodge** : does this have any particular reason, or did betty just finally realize that her mother is a bitch?

 **veroffica** : mom!!

 **mayorlodge** : what? i went to school with alice, and she wasn't half as bad then as she is now. i blame hal.

 **mayorlodge** : in fact, she used to be a southside serpent! 

 **veroffica** : i know, mom. betty told me.

 **mayorlodge** : leather jackets, flannel... she was gorgeous.

 **veroffica** : if you weren't my mom, i would say 'go for it,' but since you are, i'm going to say 'gross' instead.

 **mayorlodge** : don't give me that. you know as well as i do how easy it is to fall for the cooper women.

 **veroffica** : what are you implying?

 **mayorlodge** : mija, I want you to answer me honestly: do you or do you not have feelings for betty?

 **veroffica** : i... i don't know.

 **mayorlodge** : think about it. and in the meantime, betty can stay over.

 **veroffica** : thanks, mom!

 **mayorlodge** : on one condition, though--alice approves. i don't want to be getting calls from the police because she thinks i'm illegally harboring one of her children.

 **veroffica** : but betty's mom would never agree to this!

 **mayorlodge** : then convince her otherwise.

 **mayorlodge** : goodnight, mija.

[ **mayorlodge** is offline]

 

12:35 AM

**veroffica + wannabett**

**veroffica** : she's in!

 **wannabett** : yes!!!

 **veroffica** : there's one thing, though...

 **wannabett** : oh no

 **veroffica** : your mom has to give her consent.

 **wannabett** : shit

 **wannabett** : stupid minor laws!

 **wannabett** : i guess ill go ask her

 **wannabett** : but im going to do it over text i dont want to be near her when she flies into a rage

 **veroffica** : good luck! please don't die, i'll miss you too much!

 **wannabett** : ill try v

 

12:38 AM

**wannabett + acoop**

**wannabett** : hey mom

 **acoop** : Betty? You do realize that we live in the same house, right?

 **acoop** : Also, what do you want and why are you texting me at this hour?

 **wannabett** : ummmm

 **wannabett** : can i go stay with veronica?

 **acoop** : The Lodge girl?? At the Pembrooke??

 **wannabett** : yes

 **acoop** : For how long?

 **wannabett** : indefinitely

 **acoop** : I'm going to talk to Hermione and then I'll get back to you on this.

 **wannabett** : wow that sounded a lot less like a no than i expected

 **acoop** : Don't push it, Elizabeth.

 **wannabett** : what i meant to say was thank you mother for this incredible opportunity!!

 **acoop** : I haven't agreed yet, Betty.

 **wannabett** : i meant thank you for considering this. it means a lot to me.

 **acoop** : ...Of course.

 **acoop** : Now, you should get some sleep while I consider this further. I'll get back to you later.

 

12:41 AM

**acoop + mayorlodge**

**acoop** : Is this Hermione?

 **mayorlodge** : yes... alice?

 **acoop** : You still have the same phone number from back when we were in high school.

 **mayorlodge** : alice, it's the middle of the night. why are you texting me?

 **acoop** : I have reason to believe that our daughters are going down the same path we once did.

 **mayorlodge** : so you see it too?

 **acoop** : Yes. The two of them are as close as we were back in high school, and we both know where that led.

 **mayorlodge** : i don't want veronica to get her heart broken like i did, but it isn't like we can stop them.

 **acoop** : I'm not talking about this with you right now.

 **mayorlodge** : then when?? ever since we broke up, you've been saying you 'don't want to talk about it,' but it's been DECADES, alice.

 **mayorlodge** : and i thought that i was okay with having no resolution and no explanation, but then at the sodale project opening i saw you in that goddamn red dress, and it all came back to me.

 **acoop** : I'll admit that I regret giving into my parents' wishes and breaking up with you, but it wasn't like there were any other options.

 **mayorlodge** : there are always other options.

 **acoop** : So you're saying that you would've agreed to run away from Riverdale with me, riding around from town to town on my motorcycle?

 **mayorlodge** : ...i would've liked that.

 **acoop** : ... Really?

 **acoop** : It doesn't matter anymore, though. What matters is now. We may not be able to stop Betty and Veronica from falling in love, but we can make sure that we don't end up pushing them apart like our parents did.

 **mayorlodge** : exactly.

 **acoop** : Which is why I want to give Betty my blessing to move in with Veronica.

 **mayorlodge** : you do??

 **acoop** : Why does everyone seem so surprised by this?? I do have a heart!

 **mayorlodge** : trust me, i know.

 **acoop** : Actually, on that note, I was wondering...

 **mayorlodge** : yes?

 **acoop** : When you get back in town, would you like to get a milkshake at Pop's with me, for old time's sake?

 **mayorlodge** : alice cooper, are you asking me on a date?

 **acoop** : Yes I am, Hermione Lodge.

 **mayorlodge** : well, all you had to do was say so.

 **mayorlodge** : i get back on friday. i'll see you then and we can figure out if we still have that same explosive chemistry we used to.

 **acoop** : It's a deal. And if the date just happens to make it back to my house... Well, we'll have it all to ourselves.

 **mayorlodge** : i like the way you think. goodnight, alice.

 **acoop** : Goodnight, Hermione.

[ **mayorlodge** is offline]

 

1:02 AM

**acoop + wannabett**

**acoop** : You can stay with Veronica for as long as you want.

 **wannabett** : really?? thank you so much!!

 **acoop** : Just make sure that you've cleared out by Friday night.

 **wannabett** : why, do you have a hot date?

 **acoop** : The hottest.

 **wannabett** : i was kidding mom!!

 **acoop** : Well, I wasn't.

 **wannabett** : ugh tmi

 **acoop** : Have fun at Veronica's!

[ **acoop** is offline]

 

1:04 AM

**wannabett + veroffica**

**wannabett** : my mom is cool with it!!

 **veroffica** : are my eyes deceiving me, or did alice cooper actually allow her underage daughter to move out??

 **wannabett** : its insane isnt it? she said that she has a date on friday so that might be why shes so mellow

 **veroffica** : hmm, do you think that it's one of the hot dads of riverdale™ or some new contender??

 **veroffica** : maybe... one of the hot moms of riverdale™ (lesser known but just as hot)?

 **wannabett** : whoever it is they seem to make her happy so i approve

 **wannabett** : also i really hope that they dont break up and return my mom to her former angry state

 **wannabett** : so lets take advantage of this while we still can!

 **veroffica** : i can have smithers drive us over to your house tomorrow after school and then we can pack up your stuff! sound good?

 **wannabett** : sounds great. i can't wait, see you tomorrow v!

 **veroffica** : ditto, b.

[ **veroffica** is offline]

[ **wannabett** is offline]

 

2:28 AM

**beronica shippers**

**spillthefogarTEA** : guys i was just talking to archie and he told me that he has some hot tea to spill about our favorite oblivious wlw!! can i temporarily add him to the chat?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : why were you talking to andrews hes an asshole

 **hbicheryl** : archie isnt an asshole hes a dumbass

 **hbicheryl** : youre just jealous sweet pea

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : why would i be jealous of ginger troy bolton??

 **hbicheryl** : uh because youre jealous of anyone else who spends time with fangs??

 **nopeaz** : ooh yes expose him baby

 **spillthefogarTEA** : as much as i appreciate sweet pea not wanting me to talk to archie and choni trying to find ulterior motives in everything he says, i still need an answer to my question! can i add him or not?

 **hbicheryl** : im all for learning whatever "heterosexual" nonsense b&v have gotten into this time

 **nopeaz** : ^^

 **spillthefogarTEA** : sweets?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : hes a fucking NORTHSIDER

 **spillthefogarTEA** : please? for me?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : ...fine.

 **spillthefogarTEA** : great! im also going to add jughead and kevin while im at it because they are both also beronica shippers in their own right

 **spillthefogarTEA** has added  **jugheadalones** ,  **goingtoheller** , and  **arch** to the chat

 **spillthefogarTEA** : for those of you who dont know--jughead and kevin--archie has some fresh beronica gossip, you in for listening?

 **goingtoheller** : hell yes, lay it on us.

 **jugheadalones** : i supoose since im already awake and probably too invested in their relationship

 **jugheadalones** : but the next time these two do something interesting, it better be at a time when im NOT TRYING TO SLEEP

 **hbicheryl** : lmao doubtful but sure

 **spillthefogarTEA** : archie, please begin your tale

 **arch** : so i was sitting in my room lifting weights when i saw, with my super-good eyesight, betty texting veronica

 **arch** : and through my undoubtedly-impossible-and-kinda-creepy observance, i noticed that betty is pulling a polly!!

 **goingtoheller** : she's pregnant with one of the blossom twins' (by now, it's just cheryl though lmao) twin children??

 **arch** : no...

 **jugheadalones** : shes been sent to the sisters of quiet mercy?

 **arch** : no

 **hbicheryl** : shes given birth to my children and has given them horrendous names like juniper and dagwood??

 **arch** : no!! this is too hard to guess, so ill just tell you. she wants to move in with veronica at the pembrooke!

 **nopeaz** : what did she say?? "hey, i want to live with you, but like, platonically"??

 **arch** : um essentially

 **arch** : but then i observed something that is both MUCH more shocking and a significant development!!

 **arch** : mrs cooper and mayor lodge used to be dating, mayor lodge is gay for mrs cooper in that red dress that she wore to the sodale opening, and theyre going to a date on friday!!

 **arch** : the end! have fun gays, gotta go!

 **arch** has left the chat

 **goingtoheller** : well, that is... a lot to process.

 **hbicheryl** : i relate to hermione lodge

 **hbicheryl** : because i also want to be rawed by alice cooper in that dress

 **nopeaz** : id feel threatened if i didnt also know that alice cooper is also essentially your great cousin in law

 **hbicheryl** : oh darling dont you know that incest runs in the family?

 **hbicheryl** : jason and polly, my mother and my father... and thats just the tip of the iceberg

 **nopeaz** : im concerned again

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : so to summarize the lodges and coopers are gay for each other and archie has freaky good eyesight that is not humanly possible but is necessary to the story because it helps add important info to the plot??

 **goingtoheller** : when you say it like, it sounds like we're characters in a book.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : honestly i always thought of myself as more of a character in a fanfiction for a bad cw show

 

2:38 AM

**jugheadalones + wannabett**

**jugheadalones** : ive just been informed by archie that you are planning to move in with veronica

 **wannabett** : what the hell?? how did archie know that??

 **jugheadalones** : he said he saw your texts from his room

 **wannabett** : damn his terrifying and freakishly good eyesight

 **jugheadalones** : so... this wouldnt happen to have anything to do with lili and camis mythical dilemma, would it?

 **wannabett** : nahhh of course not

 **jugheadalones** : well, if you ever do need to talk, im here for you, okay? i may not be good at giving relationship advice, but ive been told that im a good shoulder to cry on.

 **wannabett** : whenever i need help ill make sure to talk to you first, but im really okay now. thanks jug.

 **jugheadalones** : ofc

[ **jugheadalones** is offline]

[ **wannabett** is offline]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alice and Hermione have too much sexual tension to have _not_ dated in high school, and the flashback episode pretty much only proves it. I mean, did you see Alice when she was younger?? That whole look _screams_ lesbian! Anyways...
> 
> Comments validate me!! You can leave 'em here or at my tumblr, incorrectchoniberonicaswangs, where pretty much all I do is complain about Riverdale and how I wish that it was gayer (so nothing different).
> 
> In the next chapter, Betty will finally be forced to answer for her ~~sins~~ oblivious homosexuality ft. Choni sexts (again, but I swear, this is the last time)!!


	7. gays you ever just ahsnfdjsl?? part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holiday parties are planned, Cheryl and Toni are Kevin's sapphic moms, an intervention is held, Alice and Hermione are adorable and everyone loves them, Kangs has some news, and Sweet Pea runs away from his problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theMANtle: reggie

Friday, 3:17 PM

**gays united**

**hbicheryl** : its winter break!! finally a respite from the chaos!!

 **jugheadalones** : im so excited!

 **hbicheryl** : hold up, hobo is excited about something??

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : ^^ jones are you sick

 **jugheadalones** : okay, first of all fuck you

 **jugheadalones** : second of all im excited to return to the near-comatose state i maintain every time we have a long period of time off from school

 **nopeaz** : that makes more sense

 **veroffica** : as enjoyable as that likely is to you, holden caulfield, it won't be happening this break. i'm hosting a christmas eve party at the pembrooke starting at 8:00 pm and you are all invited.

 **veroffica** : and you'd better all show up, or else i'll sic my new bodyguard on you.

 **goingtoheller** : i assume you mean betty.

 **wannabett** : guilty :/

 **spillthefogarTEA** : ill be there. and NOT because of your threats

 **spillthefogarTEA** : even though betty is kind of intimidating

 **goingtoheller** : i'll come as well.

 **nopeaz** : cher and ill come too

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i love parties im there

 **jugheadalones** : i dont suppose i really have a choice do i?

 **wannabett** : not really. sorry jug

 **jugheadalones** : fine.

 **hbicheryl** : speaking of holiday parties

 **hbicheryl** : new years eve party, thistlehouse, time tbd, if you arent there youre dead to me

 **veroffica** : b and i will be there.

 **spillthefogarTEA** : me too

 **goingtoheller** : i'll be there.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i hear cheryls parties are infamously dramatic

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : so im definitely coming

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : as long as i dont end up doing seven minutes in heaven with archie like veronica

 **veroffica** : will nobody ever let me forget that??

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : nope

 **jugheadalones** : why do all these party invites come with threats of retribution if you dont attend?

 **hbicheryl** : bc if there wasnt then youd never come

 **jugheadalones** : ill come. begrudgingly.

 **nopeaz** : and ofc ill be there obviously

 **jugheadalones** : wait am i missing something? why is that obvious?

 **hbicheryl** : oh right we didnt tell you lol

 **hbicheryl** : tt moved in with me

 **goingtoheller** : WHAT??

 **goingtoheller** : my sapphic moms moved in together aND I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA??

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : why is keller suddenly chonis kid when did this happen??

 **hbicheryl** : please kevin is basically toni and i's love child

 **hbicheryl** : he has my sass (well not as good as mine but hes trying), my gayness, and my strange desire for dumbass southsiders

 **nopeaz** : and my propensity for saying 'this is riveting i cant breathe'

 **goingtoheller** : aw, thanks, moms! mostly! :)

 **nopeaz** : no problem son

 **hbicheryl** : yes we are very proud of you kev (mostly)

 **jugheadalones** : huh i never actually thought about it but that... works?

 **wannabett** : okay cheryl and toni are like the least qualified people here to be anyones lesbian moms?? theyre literal teenagers plus they kinda suck??

 **hbicheryl** : stfu nightmare smurfette do not EVER criticize my parenting skills

 **hbicheryl** : toni and i have slaved for weeks, even MONTHS to make sure that kevin turns into a proper young gay man

 **hbicheryl** : and you have the AUDACITY to suggest that just because my gf and i are deeply flawed people we would corrupt poor kevin??

 **wannabett** : uh... no?

 **hbicheryl** : thats what i thought

 **nopeaz** : wow angry cheryl is scary but hot

 **spillthefogarTEA** : topaz, you are so whipped

 **spillthefogarTEA** : and REALLY fucking gay

 **nopeaz** : yeah ik

 **jugheadalones** : moving on

 **jugheadalones** : speaking of people taking a big step and deciding to live with each other... betty and veronica, we need to talk.

 **veroffica** : um... what?

 **veroffica** : is this some sort of intervention?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : yes

 **spillthefogarTEA** : moving in together might be considered friendly if, say, betty didnt already have a house that she lives in

 **nopeaz** : but this decision is beyond simple friendship

 **hbicheryl** : and its certainly anything but heterosexual

 **wannabett** : why are you guys finishing each others sentences?? did you plan this??

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : no shit sherlock

 **veroffica** : how do you guys even have this information??

 **goingtoheller** : we have our ways.

 **wannabett** : archie somehow saw our texts through my window

 **wannabett** : jughead told me last night, sorry i didnt tell you v, i didnt know that this was going to happen

 **nopeaz** : dammit jones why do you have to ruin all our fun!!

 **jugheadalones** : i didnt realize that this was a rule?

 **jugheadalones** : so anyway

 **jugheadalones** : b&v, now that you have been confronted with cold hard proof of your undying love for each other, what do you have to say for yourselves?

 **wannabett** : guys im straight!!

 **goingtoheller** : ooh, betty's pulling the straight card.

 **hbicheryl** : i called it! tt, sp, fangs, and jughead, you all owe me $10

 **hbicheryl** : cousin betty is nothing if not predictable in the face of her sexuality being questioned

 **veroffica** : hey, you made bets on this?? not cool!

 **wannabett** : ^^^^

 **wannabett** : and i am NOT predictable!!

 **hbicheryl** : i predicted she was going to say that

 **hbicheryl** : thats another $10 guys

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : for once i trusted in someones willingness to admit when they were wrong and now because of that cheryl is robbing us blind! smh never again

 **spillthefogarTEA** : veronica? you never answered the question

 **veroffica** : uh...

 **veroffica** : i mean, um...

 **veroffica** : we've never even kissed! i'm pretty sure we aren't dating!

 **nopeaz** : to be fair though i wouldnt be surprised if you two were dating without knowing it

 **veroffica** : guys, now really isn't a good time.

 **jugheadalones** : mmmhmm

 **wannabett** : no seriously v and i are getting ready for the christmas eve party

 **wannabett** : its in three days remember

 **hbicheryl** : ugh fine i suppose thats a reasonable explanation

 **veroffica** : and since i know that you won't let this go, at the party you can ask us whatever you want about this.

 **goingtoheller** : wait... for real?

 **wannabett** : uh yeah really v??

 **veroffica** : within reason, of course.

 **spillthefogarTEA** : wow this is more than i expected to come from this

 **veroffica** : one condition, though. you can't pester b and i about it before the party.

 **veroffica** : deal?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : deal

 **wannabett** : now that thats settled v and i are going to get to work

 **veroffica** : we'll probably be off the grid until maybe a few hours before the party.

[ **wannabett** is offline]

[ **veroffica** is offline]

 **hbicheryl** : toni and i are already headed over to pops, anyone want to join us?

 **jugheadalones** : wont we just be three-wheeling?

 **hbicheryl** : not if we are in a large group

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : ill come if you come jones

 **jugheadalones** : sure.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : ill be there in five

[ **hisshissmotherfucker** is offline]

 **jugheadalones** : kevin, fangs?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : im good

 **goingtoheller** : ^^

 **nopeaz** : okay otw

[ **nopeaz** is offline]

[ **hbicheryl** is offline]

 **jugheadalones** : leaving now

[ **jugheadalones** is offline]

 

6:35 PM

 **nopeaz** : GUYS YOULL NEVER BELIEVE WHO JUST WALKED IN

 **spillthefogarTEA** : who is it??

 **spillthefogarTEA** : tell me you know im not good with suspense!!

 **jugheadalones** : its alice cooper and hermione lodge!

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : it seems as though archies intel was correct again

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : damn that omniscient fucking northsider

 **hbicheryl** : now i really wish that betty and veronica werent offline so they could hear about this

 **goingtoheller** : why? do you hate them?

 **hbicheryl** : hate is a strong word

 **hbicheryl** : id say that i just occasionally want them to suffer

 **goingtoheller** : that isn't much better...

 **hbicheryl** : i guess ill just have to wait until the party to tell them

 **nopeaz** : okay so they just got a booth and its basically diagonal from ours

 **jugheadalones** : but theyre so enamoured with each other i dont think they even noticed that were here

 **hbicheryl** : wow i dont think ive ever seen aunt alice this happy before

 **spillthefogarTEA** : ugh this sounds so adorable i wish i was there

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : dont worry well narrate their every movement so well itll be like you are

 **nopeaz** : oh shit they keep reaching for each other like every five seconds

 **spillthefogarTEA** : im WEAK

 **jugheadalones** : its so hard to believe that they ever hated each other with the way theyre acting now

 **jugheadalones** : homophobia can really fuck shit up huh

 **goingtoheller** : this is the couple i never knew i needed, but now that i have seen that it's possible, i'm in love.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : im in shock i cant believe that the same alice cooper that grounded her daughter from any and all contact with the outside world is now just essentially the personification of heart eyes

 **hbicheryl** : this town is so small were all basically inbred

 **hbicheryl** : next thing you know fp and fred are going to be fucking too 

 **jugheadalones** : okay i did NOT need that image

 **nopeaz** : AHHHH THEY WENT IN FOR A KISS MAYDAY MAYDAY THIS IS NOT A DRILL

 **spillthefogarTEA** : AHHHHH

 **goingtoheller** : AHHHHHHH

 **nopeaz** : AHHHHHHH

 **jugheadalones** : even i, being asexual and aromantic, have to admit that im loving living vicariously through these two

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : k so they stopped

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : wait no theyre kissing again!

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : and again!

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : and again!

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : okay now theyre just making out

 **nopeaz** : get it girl(s)

 **hbicheryl** : its getting pretty heated

 **hbicheryl** : it feels like the windows are going to start fogging up

 **jugheadalones** : oh damn they stopped

 **jugheadalones** : ms cooper is waving pop over now

 **goingtoheller** : is it creepy that we're so invested in their date?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : probably not

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : nah

 **jugheadalones** : lets go with no

 **nopeaz** : nope

 **hbicheryl** : its only creepy if we get turned on

 **goingtoheller** : moving on... what's happening now??

 **nopeaz** : they got the check and now theyre paying

 **nopeaz** : they can barely keep their hands off of each other

 **nopeaz** : now theyre leaving

 **nopeaz** : should i follow them to keep narrating?

 **goingtoheller** : won't they notice??

 **jugheadalones** : no theyve only got eyes for each other

 **jugheadalones** : follow them SUBTLY while we hold down the table

 **nopeaz** : roger that

 **hbicheryl** : youre such a nerd

 **nopeaz** : you love it

 **hbicheryl** : duh

 **hbicheryl** : now follow them!!

 **nopeaz** : already doing it

 **nopeaz** : so they made it to their car

 **nopeaz** : okay wow wasnt expecting that but im not complaining

 **spillthefogarTEA** : whats happening???

 **nopeaz** : alice just shoved hermione up against the car door and now theyre hardcore making out

 **nopeaz** : damn i wonder if theyre even going to get home or if theyre just going to do it in the parking lot

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i cant believe alice cooper and mayor lodge BOTH have better sex lives than i do wtf

 **goingtoheller** : who knew that hermione lodge was such a bottom??

 **hbicheryl** : well you know what they say about people in positions of power

 **hbicheryl** : top in the streets bottom in the sheets

 **jugheadalones** : wait cheryl that could apply to you as well

 **spillthefogarTEA** : ooh is the class president getting the strap from the vice president

 **nopeaz** : fuck off fangs

 **nopeaz** : okay so they finally managed to regain some semblance of control

 **nopeaz** : aaaaand theyre driving away

 **nopeaz** : shows over folks

 **hbicheryl** : lets clear out men

 **nopeaz** : meet me by the bike cher

 **hbicheryl** : be there in a sec babe xx

 **jugheadalones** : wait are you telling me that cheryl blossom rode a motorcycle??

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : yeah red i thought you said they were death traps

 **hbicheryl** : well yeah but that was before i got on it

 **hbicheryl** : its like a giant vibrator

 **hbicheryl** : and riding it with toni is basically just the most acceptable type of public sex

 **goingtoheller** : gross.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : never thought id agree with keller but yeah tmi

 **nopeaz** : whatever

 **nopeaz** : bye fuckers see you all at veronicas party

[ **nopeaz** is offline]

[ **hbicheryl** is offline]

 **jugheadalones** : im headed out too

[ **jugheadalones** is offline]

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : me too

[ **hisshissmotherfucker** is offline]

 

Monday, 6:43 PM

 **wannabett** : b&v are back bitches!!

 **veroffica** : and, looking through the chat from the past few days... i'm glad i was gone.

 **wannabett** : although now i know what 'hot date' my mom was talking about :/

 **wannabett** : even though i never wanted to know

 **wannabett** : some things are best kept secret especially when your mom goes out on a date with your best friends mom!!

 **hbicheryl** : youre welcome :)

 **veroffica** : cheryl, at this very moment, i simultaneously respect, despise, and fear you.

 **hbicheryl** : aw thanks thats what im always going for!

 **veroffica** : anyway, the party will be starting in an hour or so, but some of my relatives will be over in the meantime. if you've got anything to say that doesn't involve the date my mom and betty's mom have, feel free. if you don't, go to hell.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : hey im in the neighborhood and i dont have anything else to do would you mind if i came over now

 **veroffica** : sure thing!

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : are you sure your relatives will be fine with me being there?

 **veroffica** : yeah. i mean, betty's here too anyway!

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : k

 

6:48 PM

**goingtoheller + veroffica**

**goingtoheller** : hey, would you happen to have some time you could set away during the party? fangs and i have an announcement we'd like to make.

 **veroffica** : sure thing, kev. how does around 10 sound?

 **goingtoheller** : perfect. thanks, v!

 **veroffica** : no problem.

 

7:22 PM

**gays united**

**hisshissmotherfucker** : rn betty looks like she cant decide whether to be a guard dog or an excited puppy lmao

 **jugheadalones** : context?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : veronicas greeting her relatives and bettys following her so closely shes practically stepping on her heels

 **goingtoheller** : well, v is definitely holding betty's leash.

 **nopeaz** : yeah veronicas got her by the collar

 **spillthefogarTEA** : if betty doesnt watch her step then shes really going to be in the doghouse

 **wannabett** : stop with the dog puns!! i am not a dog!!

 **hbicheryl** : okay but you have to admit those were pretty good

 **wannabett** : i will admit no such thing! now if youll excuse me im going to go back to talking to ronnies relatives with her

[ **wannabett** is offline]

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i guess ill keep you all informed on their gay shenanigans

 **nopeaz** : who even says shenanigans anymore??

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : uh i do fight me

 **nopeaz** : square up bitch

 **hbicheryl** : if i had a dollar for every time tt and sp said that they were going to fight i would have enough money to rebuild thornhill

 **goingtoheller** : cheryl, you're the one who burned it down in the first place.

 **hbicheryl** : yes and??

 **goingtoheller** : ...nevermind.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : im snoRTING

 **jugheadalones** : what happened?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : so veronica was talking to one of her relatives right

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : and the relative asks her if she has a boyfriend

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : veronica laughs a little and says no so her relative looks at betty whos still trailing behind her like a shadow

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : and knowingly says "oh i see, a girlfriend"

 **spillthefogarTEA** : ajklfshagak i cant even

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : both of them are sputtering uncontrollably unable to formulate a response im dying

 **hbicheryl** : ahahah it was only a matter of time before something like this happened but im really glad it did

 **nopeaz** : i mean relatives are supposed to know you better than anyone else right?

 **jugheadalones** : oh b&v you oblivious wlw

 **goingtoheller** : we're never letting them let this down, are we?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : not a chance

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : IT GOT BETTER

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : veronica finally managed to speak and she (unconvincingly) insisted that she and betty were just friends etc etc and her relative just raised her eyebrows and went "mmhm"

 **nopeaz** : drag themmmmm

 **hbicheryl** : omg we stan

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : im trying to stifle my laughter bc betty and veronica look like they want to murder me

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : but you know what screw it its worth it

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : oh shit bettys coming over here and she looks pissed

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : hello punks, this is betty. i hope youve had your fun listening to sweet pea narrate everything but now im taking his phone and wont be giving it back until the party starts

[ **hisshissmotherfucker** is offline]

 **jugheadalones** : awww

 **goingtoheller** : at least the party starts soon anyway. then, i'm sure we'll get even more beronica fodder.

 **jugheadalones** : true

 **hbicheryl** : see you then losers

 **spillthefogarTEA** : back at ya cheryl

 

7:48 PM

 **nopeaz** : cher and i are on our way

 **goingtoheller** : fangs and i are leaving now.

 **jugheadalones** : and im at your door at this very moment

 **jugheadalones** : let me in

 **jugheadalones** : okay great im in

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : and i just got my phone back

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i will not stand for this tyranny! this is a republic not a monarchy!

 **wannabett** : keep it up and im taking your phone back

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : the oppression continues...

 **wannabett** : sweet pea...

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : fine

[ **hisshissmotherfucker** is offline]

 **veroffica** : now, let's get this party started!

 

10:03 PM

 **spillthefogarTEA** : hey guys i know this is fun and exciting and all but would you mind congregating out in the living room? ive got some news

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : anything for my best bro

 **jugheadalones** : sure thing

 

10:07 PM

**hisshissmotherfucker + theMANtle**

**hisshissmotherfucker** : hey mantle are you free rn

 **theMANtle** : yeah, you want me to come over to your trailer?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : yep im on my way there too

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : see you in ten?

 **theMANtle** : none of your friends will be there, right?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : nah theyre all still at veronicas party they wont even notice that im gone

 **theMANtle** : not that im complaining, but why arent you?

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i needed a break

 **theMANtle** : so you were hoping that i could help you blow off some steam? ;)

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : that was the general idea

 **theMANtle** : youre in luck, then. i currently have a lot of free time and what many call an impressive amount of stamina.

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : perfect

[ **hisshissmotherfucker** is offline]

 

10:15 PM

**gays united**

**spillthefogarTEA** : hey has anyone seen sweet pea? i could have sworn that i saw him before kevin and i made our announcement but now i cant find him anywhere

 **nopeaz** : hes probably just in the bathroom or brooding in the corner somewhere

 **hbicheryl** : dont worry about him just celebrate! youve officially got a new boyfriend!

 **spillthefogarTEA** : "dont worry about him" have you MET me??

 **goingtoheller** : babe, he probably just got bored and bailed.

 **goingtoheller** : i know that he's your best friend, but he isn't who you're dating--i am. can't you forget about sweet pea for a little while and just relax?

 **spillthefogarTEA** : i guess so

 **goingtoheller** : great!

 **spillthefogarTEA** : ill just text sp real quick and attempt to verify that hes still alive first

 **goingtoheller** : whatever you need to do, fangs. i'll see you afterward.

 

10:19 PM

**spillthefogarTEA + hisshissmotherfucker**

**spillthefogarTEA** : hey sweets, i just wanted to make sure you didnt do anything stupid

 **spillthefogarTEA** : i know that you arent kevins biggest fan, but youre my best friend and i dont want to lose you over him

 **spillthefogarTEA** : i wish you were here to celebrate with me but i get it if you cant

 **spillthefogarTEA** : please, just text me back whenever you see this to let me know that youre okay.

[ **spillthefogarTEA** is offline]

 

10:41 PM

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : thanks for being so understanding fangs but ngl i dont know if i can handle you dating keller

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : i mean like you said

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : we're best friends

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : so i shouldnt have a problem with you going out with whoever you want

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : but something about him just rubs me the wrong way

 **hisshissmotherfucker** : sorry if that wasnt what you wanted to hear

[ **hisshissmotherfucker** is offline] 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this was supposed to just be a long holiday chapter, but I had so many ideas I had to split it into two. Bear with me, please!  
> Also, happy new year, gays! As 20gayteen comes to a close, I hope you find even more peace, prosperity, and (of course) bisexuality in 20biteen!!


End file.
